Update– In early July I finally received my first tattoo. It’s everything I hoped it would be and it gives me another layer of peace. Home is here and also wherever you are right now. For two years I’ve wrestled with whether you ever actually existed or if you’re a fantasy concocted by my brainContinue reading “Come Home”
Tag Archives: miscarriage
Mother’s Day
I leaned into the moment and said your name in conversation, and it wasn’t so awkward after all. “Angel baby, Eden.”There’s a pang of what if that hovers in the air, but my bounty fills up my senses, and I’m thankful.Thank you, Eden, for making me a mommy. Every day since your birth you haveContinue reading “Mother’s Day”
1 Year Gone
On this day a year ago our first baby became an angel. Time has seesawed between lightning speed and painful stillness. At this moment it seems like a fraction of a year has passed since our loss–certainly not 12 months. The feelings aren’t as raw, and talking about the miscarriage doesn’t trigger a negative response,Continue reading “1 Year Gone”
The Last Leg
Hi Caleb, baby, We’re in the beginning of month 9! The thought that you’ll be here soon is mind-blowing and surreal. You’ve been making your presence known more and more over the last few weeks, rolling, jabbing, and stretching all over the place. It’s pretty hard to ignore, little guy. Last night Daddy put hisContinue reading “The Last Leg”
Happy Forever Birthday
Hello, my love, It’s your birthday week! I’m not sure when you would have arrived, but some people celebrate their birthdays all week long here so you fit right in. My celebration of you is this letter and thinking about you each day. By His grace, I have spring break this week so I canContinue reading “Happy Forever Birthday”
Willfully Hopeful
Believing that my unborn baby is in Heaven.Believing that there was a baby forming in that sac when it left my body.Lifting up little one-sided conversations.Holding onto the idea that they had a soul even at those early weeks.If all of this is only a coping mechanism and imaginary… I could call myself ‘willfully crazy’,Continue reading “Willfully Hopeful”
Body Image After Miscarriage
It’s been a quiet two weeks since Thanksgiving. I haven’t known what to write because frankly there isn’t much to share. On a spiritual and emotional level I’m in a much better place. Heui Chan and I are laughing a lot more and just riding out work and life until Christmas. I suppose the bitContinue reading “Body Image After Miscarriage”
Thanksgiving
Somehow we’ve made it to Thanksgiving. What a year, right? At a quick glance the year feels like a wash, wasted, depressing. Covid-19, unrest across the world, unrest in our country, death, loss, sickness, division. It seemed like one thing led to another until we were all left wondering, ‘Okay, what now? What else couldContinue reading “Thanksgiving”
The Two of Us
Heui Chan and I asked our friend, Liz, to take pictures of us. Heech suggested, before we were even pregnant, that we should do an annual photoshoot starting this year. But when we lost the baby I couldn’t begin to consider a photoshoot with just the two of us. We weren’t going to be anContinue reading “The Two of Us”
The Full Story
Recently a friend of ours gifted me a book about miscarriage from a Christian lens. (For anyone interested it’s called Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss by Adriel Booker.) I’ve only read the first section, but it’s already an intense read. The raw details of her miscarriages and emotions so closelyContinue reading “The Full Story”
Drops of Jules 