Update– In early July I finally received my first tattoo. It’s everything I hoped it would be and it gives me another layer of peace. Home is here and also wherever you are right now. For two years I’ve wrestled with whether you ever actually existed or if you’re a fantasy concocted by my brainContinue reading “Come Home”
Tag Archives: healing
Mother’s Day
I leaned into the moment and said your name in conversation, and it wasn’t so awkward after all. “Angel baby, Eden.”There’s a pang of what if that hovers in the air, but my bounty fills up my senses, and I’m thankful.Thank you, Eden, for making me a mommy. Every day since your birth you haveContinue reading “Mother’s Day”
Our First
Dear Eden, At some point in the next two to three weeks you would have been celebrating your first birthday. Admittedly, your actual day of birth holds more significance to me because I experienced it firsthand with you. This March/April “birthday” is something I can only think about in theory. You would be turning 1.Continue reading “Our First”
A Poem and A Prayer
A poem and a prayer, words whispered in the dark not for the first or last time. ~Eden,You have the best seat in the houseYou get to see the full yellow moon,The constellations are at your fingertips.Orion’s Belt is really clear tonightThe three studs in his belt stand out against the night sky.I think ofContinue reading “A Poem and A Prayer”
1 Year Gone
On this day a year ago our first baby became an angel. Time has seesawed between lightning speed and painful stillness. At this moment it seems like a fraction of a year has passed since our loss–certainly not 12 months. The feelings aren’t as raw, and talking about the miscarriage doesn’t trigger a negative response,Continue reading “1 Year Gone”
The Last Leg
Hi Caleb, baby, We’re in the beginning of month 9! The thought that you’ll be here soon is mind-blowing and surreal. You’ve been making your presence known more and more over the last few weeks, rolling, jabbing, and stretching all over the place. It’s pretty hard to ignore, little guy. Last night Daddy put hisContinue reading “The Last Leg”
Willfully Hopeful
Believing that my unborn baby is in Heaven.Believing that there was a baby forming in that sac when it left my body.Lifting up little one-sided conversations.Holding onto the idea that they had a soul even at those early weeks.If all of this is only a coping mechanism and imaginary… I could call myself ‘willfully crazy’,Continue reading “Willfully Hopeful”
Letter #3
Hi Angel, You were on my mind a lot last night. Usually I think of you while I’m in the shower getting ready for the day or when I’m about to go to sleep. I like to say ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’ or ‘how are things up there?’ It allows me to imagine thatContinue reading “Letter #3”
Thanksgiving
Somehow we’ve made it to Thanksgiving. What a year, right? At a quick glance the year feels like a wash, wasted, depressing. Covid-19, unrest across the world, unrest in our country, death, loss, sickness, division. It seemed like one thing led to another until we were all left wondering, ‘Okay, what now? What else couldContinue reading “Thanksgiving”
The Two of Us
Heui Chan and I asked our friend, Liz, to take pictures of us. Heech suggested, before we were even pregnant, that we should do an annual photoshoot starting this year. But when we lost the baby I couldn’t begin to consider a photoshoot with just the two of us. We weren’t going to be anContinue reading “The Two of Us”
Drops of Jules 