Update– In early July I finally received my first tattoo. It’s everything I hoped it would be and it gives me another layer of peace. Home is here and also wherever you are right now. For two years I’ve wrestled with whether you ever actually existed or if you’re a fantasy concocted by my brainContinue reading “Come Home”
Tag Archives: grief
Texas
On the train to work I wrote a note on my phone that said:On 5/21 you started babbling “mama” and “nono”. This morning, 5/24, you took 4 steps to get to me when you wanted to be held. You love to eat everything, but especially oranges. I guess I’ll have to start loving oranges too.Continue reading “Texas”
Our First
Dear Eden, At some point in the next two to three weeks you would have been celebrating your first birthday. Admittedly, your actual day of birth holds more significance to me because I experienced it firsthand with you. This March/April “birthday” is something I can only think about in theory. You would be turning 1.Continue reading “Our First”
1 Year Gone
On this day a year ago our first baby became an angel. Time has seesawed between lightning speed and painful stillness. At this moment it seems like a fraction of a year has passed since our loss–certainly not 12 months. The feelings aren’t as raw, and talking about the miscarriage doesn’t trigger a negative response,Continue reading “1 Year Gone”
The Last Leg
Hi Caleb, baby, We’re in the beginning of month 9! The thought that you’ll be here soon is mind-blowing and surreal. You’ve been making your presence known more and more over the last few weeks, rolling, jabbing, and stretching all over the place. It’s pretty hard to ignore, little guy. Last night Daddy put hisContinue reading “The Last Leg”
Happy Forever Birthday
Hello, my love, It’s your birthday week! I’m not sure when you would have arrived, but some people celebrate their birthdays all week long here so you fit right in. My celebration of you is this letter and thinking about you each day. By His grace, I have spring break this week so I canContinue reading “Happy Forever Birthday”
fighting for joy
After a solid 7 days of relief and healthy coping, this week’s gloomy weather led to another dip into sadness and anxiety. My imagination was not a good friend to me. It’s incredible that the same brain that produces lyrics and poetry and blogs to help me cope can stab me in the back andContinue reading “fighting for joy”
snowballs
I read Chrissy Teigen’s instagram post about her miscarriage and cried in solidarity with her. While in many ways a very different experience, there are elements of her account that take me back to the heartbreak of my miscarriage. The anxiety of bleeding slowly and steadily for days. Looking in the toilet and trying toContinue reading “snowballs”
July 22, 2020
The days have been dragging more than usual. This Friday it will be two months since I miscarried and as I wait for the day to arrive it feels like I’m waiting for an eternity. Two months pregnant and two months childless. There was always something to learn and look forward to as each weekContinue reading “July 22, 2020”
Boundaries
On Monday night I realized I was emotionally exhausted and feeling bitterness towards some of my close friends. I couldn’t place where all of this was coming from or why I felt frustrated and emotionally drained. There’s probably a lot more to figure out, but I came to a couple of conclusions. Every single personContinue reading “Boundaries”
Drops of Jules 