juliatothemax

Protected: hopes

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The days have been dragging more than usual. This Friday it will be two months since I miscarried and as I wait for the day to arrive it feels like I’m waiting for an eternity. Two months pregnant and two months childless. There was always something to learn and look forward to as each weekContinue reading “July 22, 2020”

don’t you love us?

It has been a very taxing week. Our close friends received a devastating diagnosis for their two month old son. He will survive, but things are going to be very different from what they imagined for him. The immediate reaction from their whole community has been mourning and anger. I can’t speak for anybody else,Continue reading “don’t you love us?”

Boundaries

On Monday night I realized I was emotionally exhausted and feeling bitterness towards some of my close friends. I couldn’t place where all of this was coming from or why I felt frustrated and emotionally drained. There’s probably a lot more to figure out, but I came to a couple of conclusions. Every single personContinue reading “Boundaries”

Insecurity

This post is hard for me to formulate because my struggle this week has been complex and I have just in the last day or so begun to untangle it. When I say there is unending self-discovery in grief, I mean un.ending. “Insecurity”–a word used by a friend to describe a thought that has lingeredContinue reading “Insecurity”

Dreams

I’ve always had vivid dreams, and I can often remember what they were after I wake up. It makes for fun storytelling, but every once in a while I do wish I wouldn’t remember. Since the miscarriage, I have had a couple of dreams that have been closely tied to reality, or at least closelyContinue reading “Dreams”

Scenes From the Week

I sit with Alice as S naps away. Everything about this newborn is so small and delicate. My eyes wander over to him throughout our conversation. He sleeps so peacefully, occasionally jerking his arm in response to whatever dream he is having. Looking back at Alice I’m in awe that she is the same personContinue reading “Scenes From the Week”

Lonely

The common question is: How are you doing?I feel lonely. Even the stories of other miscarriages make me feel alone because no one has the exact same story. There’s camaraderie in acknowledging the shared heartache, but even the level of heartache and method of processing differs depending on the person. I talked about the loveContinue reading “Lonely”

Dear Husband

I’ve dedicated a lot of space to the baby, but I haven’t said too much about you. Every once in a while I find myself thinking back to the time we spent together when we were dating. I think about it with tenderness because in the middle of daydreaming about the future, we never imaginedContinue reading “Dear Husband”

Ebb and Flow

The intensity of the state of anger I was writing in in my last post has diminished, thank God. This past Sunday I was able to worship and hear Scripture without my heart and my mind putting up walls. I was able to get through the sermon without crying uncontrollably, and I was able toContinue reading “Ebb and Flow”