Texas

On the train to work I wrote a note on my phone that said:
On 5/21 you started babbling “mama” and “nono”. This morning, 5/24, you took 4 steps to get to me when you wanted to be held. You love to eat everything, but especially oranges. I guess I’ll have to start loving oranges too.

By the end of the day I wasn’t thinking about Caleb’s milestones and accomplishments. I was thinking about wanting to hold him again even though he was fast asleep in his crib. Hearing and reading about children shot to death while they’re at school…again…it really shifts your priorities and perspective. As a new mom and a teacher, this news affected me in more ways than one. I was anxious going to work the rest of the week. Saying goodbye to Caleb before I got on the train made me think ‘Is this the last time I’ll see him? Did I tell him I loved him and did I kiss him enough? If I died, would he know that his mom loved him?’ Then my thoughts would flip to ‘What if something happens to him while he’s at daycare? Will I have regrets if I never get to see him again?’ One of the tweets written by a parent of one of the children who was killed made me cry as I waited for the train. In essence they wrote that they wished they hadn’t been so hard on their child and they hoped he knew that they loved him. It must be devastating to wonder if your child died knowing they were deeply loved.

On the other hand, scenarios of having to protect my students flashed through my mind. Watching my students laughing and playing outside made me think ‘If someone shot into the school yard right now, would the kids know where to run? Would they be able to hear me if I screamed directions at them?’ I tried to imagine what teachers and students must have seen in that Texas school and thinking of my students lying still on the ground scared me. 19 children who might have been excited for summer break, doing end-of-the-year activities with their teachers, getting ready to go on to the next grade and saying goodbye to their classmates–all stripped of their futures.

One day Caleb will go to school and I’ll have to trust that he will be kept safe. But is anywhere really ‘safe’? It seems like awful things happen to anyone, anywhere. Lord, please protect our children.