Our First

Dear Eden,

At some point in the next two to three weeks you would have been celebrating your first birthday. Admittedly, your actual day of birth holds more significance to me because I experienced it firsthand with you. This March/April “birthday” is something I can only think about in theory. You would be turning 1. You would be having a big celebration with family and friends. Little baby girls are being born around me recently and they are absolutely precious. No doubt you would have been a little slice of Heaven’s beauty on earth, too.

At church today there was a new couple who was visiting. I introduced Caleb to them and they asked if he was my first baby. I said “yes” with sincere joy, and then a pang of guilt made my heart skip a beat. If I could go back I would say…well…I’m not sure… I might say that Caleb is my first earth-side baby. Or maybe that Caleb is my second baby, first earth-side. It makes my insides squirm when I think about saying that, though. Sorry, baby girl, I’m still figuring it out.

On Friday your daddy and I celebrated 5 years of marriage. He gifted me a charm bracelet with our family birthstones, and it’s one of my favorite things. There’s a moonstone for daddy, tanzanite for me, ruby for Caleb, and a little white crystal for you. The tiny crystal is perfect for you. You came and left when you were that small, maybe even smaller. I can rub my fingers over each of the stones and think about our family. I love that.

Mommy is getting a tattoo in July. I’m really excited about it because it’ll be my first one and it’s very meaningful to me. In minimalist font it will say “come home”. One of my favorite stories is the prodigal son who is welcomed home by his father, after throwing his father’s love back in his face and after wasting his life away. The invitation to “come home” is there for all of us. God doesn’t require anything but to accept His invitation back home. I need that reminder. Secondly, you never came home to us, but you went home with God. It feels like a call to the both of us from each other. “Come home, Eden” and “Come home, Mommy”. We’ll be at home together one day. I’ll post a picture when it’s done.

Love you, bubs.