I started writing a blog post a few weeks ago summarizing what changes have been going on in our lives since Caleb arrived. It was difficult to organize my thoughts, though, and I abandoned the post. The short version is that being a mom is difficult and rewarding, I started working again a week ago, and I’m tired most days. Of course there’s a lot more than just that, but I was getting overwhelmed trying to write everything out coherently. The most important takeaway is that Caleb is a total joy and we’re so lucky to be his parents.
So what’s the deal with the title? It’s honestly very complicated and I can’t make any promises that it’ll make sense to you by the time you’ve finished reading. But that’s okay too.
When we found out I was pregnant in July 2020, I already had a list of baby names ready to go. At the top of my list for a baby girl was the name “Eden”. Sweet, beautiful, bright…thriving. Those were the words that came to mind when I turned the name over on my tongue. I mentioned in previous posts that I had a strong feeling that I was pregnant with a girl, and I found myself daydreaming about living life with little Eden. I didn’t know what she would look like, or what her personality would be like, but I was hopeful to find out.
And then I miscarried before we could find out if our baby was a boy or a girl. I found myself stuck in a couple of ways. First, I didn’t want to give up the name ‘Eden’ when I loved that name so much. What if I had a little girl in the future and then I couldn’t name her ‘Eden’ because it would already be taken by this baby? Which led to my second dilemma which was ‘Well, is this baby a boy or a girl? What can I name them so when I meet them one day I won’t realize that they aren’t who I thought they were?’ So I landed on ‘Angel’ because it’s gender neutral and they are our angel anyway.
But, you know what, I made it way more complicated than it needed to be. Because if I had a daughter, I could never name her ‘Eden’. Subconsciously, that name is already taken and gone. I wouldn’t have any peace if I named a living baby ‘Eden’ when in my heart it’s already a name taken by our other child. I only came to terms with this recently and I was honestly gutted. I guess I was mourning an aspect of the miscarriage that I hadn’t considered because I was forcing myself to overlook it. Along with losing our baby, I also lost the name that I really loved. It sounds SUPER shallow and inconsequential. I get it. But it mattered to me. I was also upset because this whole time I was trying to call my baby “Angel” when I could have just named her ‘Eden’ and allowed myself to give her the gift of a name that I adore. Why did I feel like I had to be so “correct” about her gender or her name?
Nothing is ever too late, though…especially when you have to wait for a lifetime to see each other again.
From tonight on, at least to me, our first baby’s name is Eden Angel Lee, guardian angel of her little brother, Caleb.
Drops of Jules 