Hi Caleb, baby,
We’re in the beginning of month 9! The thought that you’ll be here soon is mind-blowing and surreal. You’ve been making your presence known more and more over the last few weeks, rolling, jabbing, and stretching all over the place. It’s pretty hard to ignore, little guy. Last night Daddy put his hand on my stomach and called your name and you kicked a hard kick for him to feel. I have a feeling you’ll keep us on our toes! Fortunately for us we have a wonderful group of aunties and uncles, and grandma and grandpas, who can’t wait to shower you with love too. We celebrated your impending arrival a couple weekends ago with a baby shower and (you’ll just have to trust me on this since you couldn’t partake) there were gifts and well wishes from near and far. We’re so blessed, bubs. I can’t wait for you to experience it firsthand.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling asleep again. A few nights ago I was looking through the pictures I had taken in the last year. There are a lot of good memories even though it was such a bizarre time with the pandemic. I scrolled through videos and pictures of last summer spent on the beach and on mini trips, birthdays celebrated, small dinners with friends and family… But I also checked the time stamp incessantly. ‘Did I know I was pregnant yet?‘ ‘I must have been pregnant here and didn’t even know.’ Eventually the pictures led me up to the week I miscarried.
I took a lot of food pictures the week I miscarried. There were also videos of the countryside, of the early morning and evening skies, and a picture of Bella with me in the car when we got home. All of these memories have an underlying ominous association, though. The video of the countryside as we drove to our destination is tainted with the hindsight that, unbeknownst to me at the time, I was beginning to spot. What I remember about the food we ate is the walk to the restaurant just a couple hours after I realized I was bleeding, and the cramping on the walk home. The calm videos of the skylines hid my anxiety over what was going on in my body. We picked up Bella after my doctor’s appointment and I was still not feeling well.
I also came across the video we took of our pregnancy announcement to my family. We were celebrating Johnny’s birthday at our house and we wrote in a card to my parents that we were pregnant. Actually, right before I gave them the card Heech asked me to take another pregnancy test just to be sure. I was so annoyed with him at the time because I’d already taken two tests. It was a funny detail to the story once they opened the card. I’m recalling this sequence of events from my memory–I can’t watch that video yet. I’m keeping it around because I think it’s important to have as a memory of Angel, but I just can’t watch it. The excitement and surprise is difficult to look at when you know what happens next.
The miracle is that, Caleb, you’ll be born right around the time I found out I was pregnant with Angel. We’re so thankful that we get to be your parents, and we can’t wait to meet you.
Love you already. ❤
Mommy
Drops of Jules 