It’s been a quiet two weeks since Thanksgiving. I haven’t known what to write because frankly there isn’t much to share. On a spiritual and emotional level I’m in a much better place. Heui Chan and I are laughing a lot more and just riding out work and life until Christmas. I suppose the bit that I’ve had to work through the most is negative self-talk. There are moments of anxiety and toxic thoughts that peek through the mundane work days. It upsets me when I catch myself feeling anxious or when I think mean things about myself because I don’t think it was this way before the miscarriage. Maybe this is a temporary thing and it’s part of the healing process.
When I say ‘negative self-talk’ I mean saying things to myself that are unkind and that make me want to give up. When I miscarried I would tell myself, “You’re not pregnant anymore, you should be losing whatever few pounds you put on during pregnancy. Get your body in shape. Look good and be healthy for another baby.” But I gained weight instead, partially from the sympathy goodies people sent us and partially because emotionally I just couldn’t regularly motivate myself to go to the taekwondo gym to exercise. As the months have passed, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “Your stomach looks awful. Where is that stomach roll coming from? You’re not losing weight because you don’t want it badly enough. You look like that and you didn’t even give birth? What are you going to look like when you get pregnant again?” The thoughts are just so mean. I look at girls on Instagram who are talking about body positivity and I would never for a minute think those things about them. The only words that come to mind are ‘healthy’ and ‘natural’ and ‘proportionate’.
I know that when I’m pregnant again I will struggle with a growing stomach. I knew it even before the first time I got pregnant. I’ve heard that the first thing people look at in the mirror is the thing they’re most self-conscious about. Whether it’s the mirror or other people, the first thing I look at is the stomach. It’s always been my insecurity. The feeling that my body is out of my control stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m a failure. Aside from the outward appearance, there is some healing that needs to be done about the inside of my body. I’ve stood in the shower and started to think about what if my body becomes a “coffin” (a word used by an author that has stuck with me) again for another baby and I’ve cried because I can’t guarantee anything and it’s out of my control.
Honestly, I feel really stupid writing this post because I don’t know where I’m going with this. I don’t know what my main message is. Maybe I just want to let people know that body image issues are present before, during, and after pregnancy. It’s a struggle that persists forever, even if and when you’ve come to terms with your own body. Support your friends, your wives, your husbands, your family members, etc. because they need to know that they can still be loved and found attractive, especially when they hate who they see in the mirror. There are a lot of things that are out of our control. We can’t take on every single element of life and succeed at it all the time. And I have to be okay with that…otherwise, how will I live? I might feel like I’m free-falling, but I have to hold on to this truth: God is in control when I can’t be.
Drops of Jules 