Somehow we’ve made it to Thanksgiving. What a year, right? At a quick glance the year feels like a wash, wasted, depressing. Covid-19, unrest across the world, unrest in our country, death, loss, sickness, division. It seemed like one thing led to another until we were all left wondering, ‘Okay, what now? What else could possibly go wrong?’ And the bad news kept on rolling in.
When I sit here and really consider 2020, however, there are undoubtedly things to be thankful for. The smallest ‘take-for-granted’ things. Some years I’ve thought about the ‘unexceptional’ things that I was thankful for and it felt cheesy to say them out loud. This year is different; the overlooked blessings are our hope for happiness. I can reflect on my blessings and think one of two things: ‘I/We/They could have had more‘ or ‘Today I have this and it’s worth being thankful for‘.
On a different platform I might have listed out every single thing that I’m thankful for, but for the sake of any readers (and my future self) I’ll stick to a few items that I’m especially working on in the thankfulness department.
Health. After I miscarried, my friends and family told me some variation of, “I’m so sorry you went through this, but I’m also glad that you’re healthy and safe.” At the time my health seemed so negligible. It sounded like something that someone would say when they couldn’t quite understand what I was feeling or going through. I felt depressed and horribly alone, and my physical health was the last thing on my mind. Now that some time has passed, I can finally appreciate the truth of their words. Thank God I’m healthy–it’s a quality that some don’t have the luxury of possessing. Miscarriage aside, there are so many people suffering from poor health in a variety of ways. Even if I haven’t always viewed my body in a positive way this year, the least I can do is be thankful for the health that I have.
Community. Internally I’ve had high highs and low lows when it came to my community. This year has built some strong relationships out of difficult circumstances, but I’ve also experienced some really ugly emotions that I didn’t know I could feel so powerfully. Resentment, jealousy, impatience, and anger cropped up in the same heart that showed love and care–sometimes towards the same people. It was a very confusing year, and to be honest some of those feelings are unresolved; I’m working on it. All that to say that I’m still thankful for every single person, near or far, who has touched my life this year. My family, my husband, my friends, my church, my dog (can’t forget my bff), my students…all of them kept me going. I’m thankful that even in the middle of a pandemic I could feel so connected to my people. I’m thankful that they invest in me and in turn allow me to invest in them.
God. If you’ve been keeping up with my blogs you know how I’ve struggled with God after the miscarriage. From March through June I read my Bible every single day with a group of dear friends. I heard Him speaking to me through His Scripture. He comforted me through the death of my cousin and through the death of a friend’s mother due to Covid-19. He convicted and encouraged me when I was actively fighting through my sin. And then, as it often happens, I felt distant from God again. You might think that the miscarriage made the distance feel even wider, but that didn’t happen. If anything, I started thinking about God again for the first time in months. Most of my thoughts about God weren’t positive; the nicest thing I could muster about Him was that He was taking care of my baby in Heaven. Beyond that all of my thoughts were angry or confused or I was actively shutting myself off from God. Even in those negative interactions, though, I felt distressed. I didn’t want to be upset with God. I wanted to think about Him with love.
This miscarriage has caused me to pause and reconsider the things that I once believed about God when I didn’t have any life experience to back it up. Slowly, He is tangibly proving Himself to me by walking with me in my recovery. I’m still anxious about what the future will be like; I can’t help testing the waters to see how much I can really trust God with my future. I’m still sad that I’m not sitting on my couch right now with a baby bump getting in the way of my laptop. I’m still trying to make sense of the effects of sin and death on every single aspect of our lives (and why well-meaning Christians think this is a comforting thing to tell everyone who is actively grieving–can we read the room a little bit please?)
But this much I know: I am thankful for the God who has not abandoned me or ceased to love me or to provide for me, even when I felt abandoned, unloved, and lost. I am thankful that He is keeping me alive each second of every day. All the people and things I’m thankful for this year are only possible through Him.
Finally, thank YOU for allowing me to take up space in your head and heart space with each post that you read. This space has been so meaningful to me in my healing process. Sending my love to you all. ❤
Drops of Jules 