Heui Chan and I asked our friend, Liz, to take pictures of us. Heech suggested, before we were even pregnant, that we should do an annual photoshoot starting this year. But when we lost the baby I couldn’t begin to consider a photoshoot with just the two of us. We weren’t going to be an expecting family of three anymore. Would looking at pictures of us after this loss elicit any kind of happiness? As time passed, however, the idea was less devastating.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that this photoshoot was needed. After the emotional exhaustion of this miscarriage, we had an hour to dress up and focus on each other. Don’t get me wrong we’ve gone on dates and spent days at home doing nothing together, especially during the weeks following the miscarriage. There was simply something refreshing about being outdoors, chasing the sunlight as dusk quickly approached, and posing for pictures. The last time we took any pictures together professionally was when we were engaged (and married). This time around there was no awkwardness or stiffness. We posed how we wanted to and enjoyed being in each other’s arms. We’re different people than when we first got married; we’ve experienced and learned so much.
Sometimes I pause and think about myself as an outsider. What titles do I attach to myself? What words and phrases would come to mind if I looked at myself today for the first time? Woman. Wife. Daughter. Teacher. Musician. Friend. Mother to a baby in Heaven. That’s a new one I’m starting to learn how to identify with. I’m a mother to an angel and Heui Chan is their father, too. When we argue or disagree or are generally not nice people to each other, I want to remember that this man is the father of our baby. I want and need to love him well.
As cliche and corny as this sounds, we sat looking into the setting sun and a tear caught in the corner of my eye. This isn’t what we imagined for ourselves. We couldn’t have expected this miscarriage or the ways it would change us as individuals and as a couple, but we’re learning how to dream dreams again. The couple we are today isn’t unfamiliar or changed beyond recognition. We’re still us–just stronger and more resilient, and we love more fiercely than before.
Thank you, Liz, for the beautiful pictures. Check her out: https://www.graceandvessel.com/
It’s just the two of us down here, Angel, but you’re always in our hearts and on our minds.
Drops of Jules 