I read Chrissy Teigen’s instagram post about her miscarriage and cried in solidarity with her. While in many ways a very different experience, there are elements of her account that take me back to the heartbreak of my miscarriage. The anxiety of bleeding slowly and steadily for days. Looking in the toilet and trying to reason that this is nothing to be worried about. Feeling the tissue…our baby…leaving me. And then one last look in the toilet and seeing what I can’t unsee.
There’s no real excitement in talking about getting pregnant again. Each conversation is tinged with unspoken fear and reservation. What if we don’t get pregnant right away again? There’s no shame in trying for a long time. After all, a fast pregnancy clearly didn’t guarantee a healthy pregnancy. But I have expectations and timelines…and more than that, I want so badly to feel like a mom again. I’m impatient to “regain” what I “lost”. It sounds immature and shallow…but people can think what they want. I was barely a mom and yet I miss being one.
What if we get pregnant and I miscarry again? My mind races ahead, vaulting over the fact that I’m not even pregnant yet, and landing on the emotions and thoughts I will have to work through if I’m faced with this all over again. It’s terrifying and overwhelming. It’s enough for both of us to reconsider trying. We were able to get through this once, but will we be able to get through it again?
What if the answer to what we’re praying for is “no”? This question hurts me the most because I know that God loves me and does things that are for my good. However, at the end of the day, the idea that maybe what I want is not what God has in mind for me is painful. Whatever God is doing in my heart and through this experience…I don’t want it. My heart has been softening towards God, allowing Him to speak to me through Bible passages and sermons and songs. However, I don’t think I’m at a place right now where I could accept “no” as an answer.
I’m fully aware that these anxieties are snowballing. There’s no reason to think that we will miscarry again. But there was no reason to think that we would miscarry the first time either. Seeds of doubt have been planted and they’re hard to dig up after they’ve taken hold. If you can feel my heartache and sense my longing…I can only believe that God can feel and sense it too. Oh, Lord, help.
Drops of Jules 