The days have been dragging more than usual. This Friday it will be two months since I miscarried and as I wait for the day to arrive it feels like I’m waiting for an eternity. Two months pregnant and two months childless. There was always something to learn and look forward to as each week of pregnancy passed. Now there’s just endless stretches of time with no markers.
Empty sadness hangs over me and makes me tired. This reality is what reassures me that I am a mother who has lost a baby. I’m not an imposter. Still, I find myself hesitating to share openly on social media or to repost stories that shine a light on miscarriage. Is my story valid? Can a connection exist in the span of 2 short months? After all, some mothers hold their babies as they breathe their last breath, others have named their babies and prepared a nursery, and still others have at the very least held an ultrasound photo in their hands. I’ve never done any of those things. My poor baby received so little before unceremoniously ending up in the toilet.
I found a letter I wrote to the baby when I first found out I was pregnant. Another shred of evidence that this pregnancy was cherished even in its brevity. It’s a silly letter in a lot of ways, but it’s honest and hopeful. The last stanza was never realized, but one day I hope I will write another letter to another baby. And when I do it won’t end in heartache.
Dear Baby,
You’re in me and growing
Taking shape minute by minute.
I don’t feel different or look different.
I don’t feel you or see you.
But you’re there and that’s a miracle.
Your mom doesn’t like to be doted on.
It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing.
I suppose I’ll just have to allow it though
Because it’s not about me, it’s about you.
What can we do to make sure you’re safe?
Your appa and I didn’t have to wait for long
For you to come to be.
We’re one of the lucky ones.
It feels so unreal that we’ve taken multiple tests
Just to confirm you’re really there.
I’ll go to see the doctor soon
To see how old you really are.
Be good and keep growing!
Get comfy and stay for just long enough.
Love you
Drops of Jules 