The intensity of the state of anger I was writing in in my last post has diminished, thank God. This past Sunday I was able to worship and hear Scripture without my heart and my mind putting up walls. I was able to get through the sermon without crying uncontrollably, and I was able to rest for the rest of the day without the unfilled minutes choking me. As mysterious and distant as I’ve perceived God to be recently, I also recognize the goodness that He has shown to me. I’m struggling to put this into words because my perception of God in this moment is so complex…yet accompanied by a strong undercurrent of love. I feel moved to tears if I try to explore that undercurrent for too long. God loves me–and this is how He has reminded me this week.
I still can’t open my Bible or pray a prayer, so how can I feel God’s love so strongly? God knows my heart and the way I work. I need to confide in people–pour my heart out, be vulnerable, share every single detail– in order to feel like I can move forward. Not a lot of people can take all of that in, process it, and then encourage me afterwards. However, the people who invested in my life this past week to help me through my anger were the exact people I needed to talk to to begin the work of moving around this obstacle. I sincerely believe that God, in His goodness to me, put them there so I could have the community I needed. He handpicked people who could comfort me, even though He wants me to seek Him out first for comfort. Each and every conversation this week was a little piece of healing to my bitter heart. And without any of us realizing it, God spoke His heart to me through their gentleness, patience, and understanding. I’m thankful for these mercies which came to me even when I couldn’t open my Bible or pray a prayer out loud. This is how I know God loves me.
When I sat down to write today, I was on the brink of another emotional pit. I finished work, the adrenaline was fading, and I was left in the sunlight, walking Bella with tears deep in my chest. Yesterday was such a good day that I thought, ‘Maybe this is the beginning of the end of this grieving process.’ But the grief struck so suddenly this afternoon that I remind myself again,”Take the good days when they come, and all of the other times, feel what you need to feel.” Don’t try to get through the grieving so quickly…allow yourself to have good days and bad moments. Nothing is ‘over’, especially not in grief. But even here God has met me again. My heart is lighter after I remember the ways He has watched over me this week, right in the middle of my angry bitterness towards Him. God is good, and I will take each day in stride.
Drops of Jules 