Lost You

CW: miscarriage

Dear Baby,

Today we lost you. Mommy knew something was wrong for a few days…and I was scared that we would lose you or that you weren’t growing correctly. Then all of a sudden, despite the reassurances that the symptoms were common, I started to feel a lot of pain. It felt like I was about to give birth for real. After an excruciating time, you came out… and now you’re in a little plastic bag. It’s hard for me to look at you, but I also can’t help but pick up the bag you’re in. I’m thankful that you didn’t grow too big before we lost you because that would have been even harder to bear. Mommy has a friend named Esther who said that the sadness of losing your baby never goes away. Even when we have other babies. Don’t worry, Baby, we won’t forget about the first little life that made us so giddy and excited to be parents.

Daddy is very sad, too, but he’s trying to take care of me. Daddy loved you very much also. We both loved you and were excited to prepare for you to have the best things. We won’t know what those plans would have looked like, but we will always remember the way you made us feel. Grandma and Grandpa also loved you and looked forward to meeting you. Grandma was already giving Mommy clothes for when you would get big in my belly. Auntie Katherine and Uncle Johnny wanted you to be in their wedding in May. We all wanted to shower you with love. God is giving you the best kind of love now. When we see you in Heaven, come find us so we can see your beautiful face.

It was fun being pregnant with you even though there were many things Mommy wanted to eat but couldn’t. Mommy couldn’t look at beef or consider eating it for a few weeks. I also couldn’t stand the thought of eating most things…except for hoagies but I couldn’t eat those. Mommy also had a lot of friends who were pregnant or giving birth around the same time. There were a couple of friends we wanted you to play with–Lucas and Yubin! It’s okay, though, maybe another time. Mommy took some pictures to track her pregnancy, but in the end there wasn’t much to see. We didn’t get enough time together to show much of a difference. Even so, I’m putting our pictures together in this post because that’s when you were in me.

You’ll always be our first baby. We love you so much.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy